Since it’s Good Friday, I thought I’d share a little bit about how I’m doing lately. After all, this blog is about me. It’s been almost four months now since I lost my dad. When holidays roll around, I think I tend to think more and be sad.
Daily, I still think of my dad. I used to see him pretty often and we were quite close. The thing is I could’ve never imagined something so awful happening in my life and to be honest, it’s still hard. Harder than I would’ve imagined. Who would’ve thought at the age of 33, I would be without my dad?
When I get a rare quiet moment like now, I cry. And I miss him. For the first couple of months, it sorta felt like I couldn’t breathe. These days it feels like an ache…sort of a stinging on my heart. The pit of my stomach still sinks at the thought of “that night.” How can it be?
Literally every night I have a dream about my dad. They feel so real that I never want to stop having them. But when I wake up and he’s not really there, the pit of my stomach sinks again.
It seems like just yesterday my dad and I were weeping over my mom on life support. We were in the parking lot of the hospital and he was telling me to be careful going home since I had visited mom after dark. He was shoving a $20 bill in my hand so I could get a snack and then kissing me on the forehead. I just can’t take it. My how life has changed.
I know I’ll overcome this, but many people have told me it might take awhile. I know God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle and everything I’ve gone through lately has been a true test of my faith. It’s also been an amazing way to strengthen my daily walk with Him and remind me what’s important in life. You can’t go through this craziness and not come out trusting Him more than ever because without Him I couldn’t have gotten through it. As I continue this journey, continue to pray for our family’s healing.
When I played my dad’s old voicemail the other day, little C thought his grandpa was “calling from heaven.” It literally broke my heart. So much sadness that I hope will soon turn to joy for me. I will get through this…eventually.
For now, I’ll stare at the daffodils he planted in his yard before he passed away. What a beautiful way to remember him and God’s little reminder that he’s watching over us.